Suicide is the biggest killer of men under 45,
which is something not a lot of people are aware of.
This programme contains some strong language.
Anyone, actually, who hasn't read those figures, if you asked them
what was the biggest killer of men under 45,
I'm sure they would say, cancer, getting hit by cars,
stumbling out of clubs drunk, violence.
Basically, anything other than... Than them taking their own lives.
It's a very, very sad fact, but it's not a very widely known one.
I'm Stephen Manderson. Better known as the rapper, Professor Green.
CROWD CHEERS
London, have you had a good time tonight?
Do you mind if I do one more song, before I'm kicked out?
Like so many others in the UK, I have to live with a dark reality,
every day.
Seven years ago, my dad, Peter, took his own life, aged just 43.
Ever since, I've been tormented by his loss,
and struggled to face up to it.
Now, for the first time,
I've decided to confront why he was driven to this extreme.
I hope getting some answers will shine a light
on the scourge of male suicide in Britain,
and help me to move on to a new, happier chapter in my life.
I'm not sure if it's possible to ever really come to terms
with what my dad did.
He's always going to be a part of my life that's missing.
But I do hope, through the people that we talk to,
that I can learn little bit more about perhaps what
led to his suicide and maybe it will give me some closure.
Through music, I've been lucky to enjoy success.
And recognition.
Away from the spotlight, I've been able to
build a comfortable home with my two loves. Millie...
Really, let's just work this out. Who's doing what?
I'll do everything.
..and Arthur.
ARTHUR BARKS AND YELPS
That dog! He's been making me jump.
But there is one black day, when I was 24,
that I'll never be able to forget.
I was still in bed, and my nan came in, crying.
A horrible feeling came over me,
and I knew that something was really wrong.
And she just blurted out, "Your dad's dead, he hung himself".
The anger that came over me, straight away, you know?
I just punched the wall, I was just livid.
And I was... The next thing was the upset and then it was the confusion,
I couldn't understand it. How could he have done this?
What's he done it for?
What was so bad that... That he had to take his own life?
I'd like to get a better understanding as to why my dad did what he did.
Over 6,000 people take their own lives in Britain each year,
according to the most recent figures.
Nearly 80% are male.
A proportion that is on the rise.
It's not a topic that anyone really wants to talk about, you know.
If you want to empty a room, then you bring up suicide.
I would like to heighten the awareness of the severity of the situation
and bit by bit, removing the taboo that exists around it.
There is only one place to begin my search, back in Hackney,
east London, where I was born and raised.
Where we are now is Chatsworth Road.
You probably wouldn't have been able to pay people TO live here,
when I was growing up.
Now there's a lot of people who can't pay to live here.
Still got your pound shop though.
And this is my estate on the left, here.
It was quite handy, living on the ground floor,
because if I ever wanted to sneak anyone in, like my girlfriend, who wasn't allowed to stay over,
She would leave... "Bye!" ..and then, shortly after,
climb back in my window.
Sorry, Nan.
So, this is it.
Looks quite a lot like every other estate in London, really, doesn't it?
It was my Nanny Pat who brought me up here.
My parents split up very soon after I was born,
and my mum left when I was only one.
My dad was never really around during my childhood.
As a kid, my dad would be very in and out of my life. It wasn't very consistent.
On his visits, he would come round, everything would be fine,
and then I wouldn't see him for a year and a half.
And it turns out the woman that he had left my mum for and subsequently
had two children with had given him an ultimatum.
She related me to my mum.
And she said to him, "You either stop seeing him, or you stop seeing me."
And, for whatever reason, my dad decided to stop seeing me.
Which was hard.
He was the parent that I favoured. So for him to have made that decision
and to disappear from my life was horrible.
And, you know, at times, I felt like it was my fault,
maybe it was something I was doing.
And I didn't want to, you know... God forbid
I told him exactly how angry or upset I was and then he disappeared again.
That was the last thing I wanted.
You know, there were hours and hours, of days and days that
I would sit at the window - on the front of that, there is a bus
stop that's still right outside the front - and just watch the buses,
you know, waiting for him to get off, and for the most part he never did.
Hello, darling. How you doing, all right?
I'm good, I haven't seen you in years. I know.
Lovely to see you. Lovely to see you. Gosh.
It is funny, cos I got a photo out the other day, your dad was in it.
Holding my one when she was newborn. And I thought, "Wow."
Did you know... Well, you know what happened, don't you?
I know, it was sad. Yeah. So sad.
How are you doing, are you all right? He's my grandson, my youngest one. Bless him.
He keeps me on my toes. Yes. Much like I did with Pat.
THEY LAUGH
It is really nice to see you. It is lovely to see you.
You take care of yourself. You take care as well.
I want to know if there are any clues that my dad was unhappy
during my childhood...
a time when he was mostly absent.
I've never spoken to any of my family before about his death,
so I'm facing a daunting conversation with my rock who raised me...
Nanny Pat.
Hi, Nan. Hi, Stephen. How are you doing, you all right? Yeah.
Are you all right? Yes, come on. Good.
Do you want a cup of tea? Yes, please.
Um, almond milk? No, you won't... Oh, I have got milk. What's the date?
30th. Yes, you're all right, you're in luck.
Semi-skimmed, though, it is not full fat.
This is proper special treatment. It better be.
I don't make anyone a cup of tea.
'Though she calls it talking music,
'my nana has come to as many of my gigs as she can.'
I mean, at that last one, this young fella came up to me
and said, "Oh, are you Nanny Pat?" I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Oh, will you sign this for...?"
THEY LAUGH
And I thought that was absolutely stupid of him. What did you sign it?
Did you sign it "Nanny Pat", or did you sign... Yeah, Nanny Pat,
but they all call me Nanny Green, don't they? Nanny Green, yes.
'I want to hear my nan's memories of my dad during the period
'he got together with her daughter, and when I was born.'
Do you like your little dungarees what you're wearing?
I think they are back in fashion now as well.
Pretty much anything from the '80s or '90s is. That's a funny one.
Yeah, records. Me with a record. Him with a cigarette in his mouth.
So what was he like when you first met him?
Um, a bit shy, a bit quiet.
Do think that's where I got it from?
You shy and quiet? I was shy and quiet.
How old was Mum when she met...
she met Peter, my dad?
Well, she must have been 15.
Yeah, so they weren't really together that long before... No. ..before I popped up. No.
I mean, they separated quite soon after my birth, didn't they? Yes.
They were both too young to have a child. I turned out all right.
Yes, you've turned out all right, I'm not saying you're not.
They were still both too young.
Yes, but I was very fond of him as a kid, wasn't I? Oh, God, yes.
You used to look out the window to see if he was coming up the road.
And you was happy when he come to pick you up from school.
Did he do that? Yes, of course he did.
You were more happy when he picked you up than when I picked you up.
HE LAUGHS
I was quite anxious as a child, I didn't know what anxiety was.
I think that was because people walked out on you and left you
when you was little.
I mean, Peter should have been more of a man where you was concerned.
But, you know, I suppose...
There's very few ways in which you can look at anything that
happened in a positive light, but it has taught me to be one,
because I would never make the mistakes that he has. No.
There is quite a theme between the carpet and the sofa, isn't there?
Yes, yes.
SHE LAUGHS
We look happy. You do, yes. Well, you was.
He's such a fucking... No, don't be silly.
Not me, him!
I'm entitled to cry, he's a flippin' muppet.
HE SOBS
The thing is, it makes me happy. Mmm.
But then it makes me sad, because he is not here.
Well, he must have been suffering to do something like that.
He must have been. But it also just, you know... Even in the time that he was alive,
there were very few moments that... that I remember.
Mmm. You know, I can look at these pictures but...
You've got to remember, your dad loved you and he would have been so proud.
Come on. Come on.
Come on.
You'll be all right.
You know, going through the pictures, I never knew she had so many pictures of me and my dad.
And obviously it brought a lot to the surface, but that night,
I slept for eight hours for the first time in ages.
Probably because I was, you know, emotionally exhausted, but also
because I felt like a weight had been lifted in some way.
Warm up set. Right, here we go,
Shoulders tight, chin down. Now, three, two, one. Good.
'All of those emotions are still there,'
I'm just, on a day-to-day basis, quite good at keeping them at bay.
Take your time to release. Last one, spend some time down here.
'And to get it out sometimes is a great help.
'Also, me and my nan are not that great at talking.'
You know, we discussed things that we hadn't really.
I got to ask her loads of questions that I've wanted to and haven't before.
And hopefully it is a start of a much more open dialogue.
My nan has confirmed suspicions that my dad struggled to
face up to the responsibilities in his life.
But I'm still a long way from understanding what may have
driven him, like tens of thousands of other men in recent years,
to the extreme of killing himself.
To find answers, I need to reach out to those who were closest to my father.
Hello. Hello, my boy.
HE LAUGHS
'After several years, I'm catching up again with one of his best mates, Ken.'
You all right? Yes, you OK? Yes. Good, good.
Do you want a drink? Yes, please.
Thanks, Chris. You're welcome. Cheers. Cheers.
Long time no see. Mm-hm.
Too bloody long. Exactly.
'Ken was friends with my dad, Peter, for over 30 years
'and was also his brother-in-law.'
Can you play as good as your dad? No, definitely not.
He'd be embarrassed. I mean... Yeah, I definitely didn't bring my own cue. Oh, well.
OK, then.
Because you were Dad's best man, weren't you? I was. He asked me.
That was one of the proudest, proudest days because I would...
'I want to know from Ken
'whether my father showed any signs of being unhappy or suicidal.'
Is there any clear reason? No.
No obvious reason?
No. The world was his oyster.
He had, as far as I was concerned, he didn't have a worry in the world.
He was such a placid, quiet boy. He wouldn't hurt anyone for the world.
Was he quite open? When you spoke to him, was he quite open?
I didn't want to interfere and ask him about certain things.
When we saw each other, it was a case of,
"Right, let's go out and have a couple of beers, couple of games."
Talk about football, about Spurs, obviously.
That's typical blokes, isn't it? Yeah. We keep a lot in.
So he didn't ever talk about his own life? He never.
That's why it was so hurtful and devastating
what happened, what he did.
It kills you. It does.
You think, why?
Why didn't you come to me?
Why didn't you say this? Why didn't you say that?
He must have been holding on to a lot.
It's got to be something like that. The truth always hurts.
You've got to come out with it.
Because, if you're carrying things around, it doesn't go away.
The most obvious thing that comes from the conversation with Ken
was that my dad didn't really disclose anything to him,
you know, he kept everything to himself.
Which is typical of a bloke's bloke, isn't it?
Oh, look at him again.
So, not really talk about stuff much, he just got on with it.
He sucked it up and dealt with it the best you could.
But, obviously, the problem that arises from that
is that some people can't deal with it.
'It seems my dad kept his demons hidden.
'I want to investigate how far this classic male trait helps explain
'why nearly four times as many men as women take their own lives.
'So, I'm off to meet a man who, for years,
'kept his darkest feelings secret.
'And has twice nearly killed himself.'
'Ben's a keen amateur rugby coach from London.
'He says he used the sport to suppress his mental health struggles
'and the effects of traumatic events in his life.'
I was depressed for an awful long time.
I was just able to function with it.
Work silly hours in a professional job
to try and mask the fact that I was miserable inside.
What do you think made it possible to keep your feelings at bay?
I think never taking a break.
'Ben's troubles began when he was 17.
'I'm shocked to discover his father also killed himself.'
He took his own life unexpectedly.
I remember being really upset for a couple of hours,
and then, what do I do now?
I don't know how to grieve.
Was there anyone that you spoke to about it?
I talked about it with my friends
but only in a factual way, like, "My dad killed himself".
And I think it caught up with me about two years ago.
And it was nine years' worth of carrying around this burden.
Bottled-up emotion. Yeah.
I realised that I despised my job.
My girlfriend at the time had broken up with me.
I found a lump on one of my testicles
and ended up going through my phonebook
checking off people that I've not spoken to them in an age.
If I'm dead, then it would be better for them.
Just convincing myself that suicide was the best option.
I ended up swallowing pills and just shovelling them down my neck
because I was, like, I'm worthless, totally worthless.
Just a sort of stain on life.
You convinced yourself that you had no self-worth.
And no-one else had a worth in me.
'Ben's attempts to end his own life thankfully failed.
'But he still has to live with his demons.'
If I'm feeling really shit,
I'll default to, "I'm going to kill myself."
Do you think it's something always in the back of your mind
going to be an option? Yeah.
Trying to accept that and know that, if I am suicidal,
it's OK, it's probably just going to pass.
And I've got coping mechanisms and strategies in place.
And people to reach out to.
I've got a list of people who I call.
I've got a little book I carry around
and it's got a letter in the back from me to me,
and a little sign saying - "Help me, I'm suicidal."
Do you think as men, our inability to often voice our feelings
is linked to the high rates of suicide?
Definitely. Because, if you can't talk about how you're feeling,
eventually, it just grinds you down.
I managed to last nine years, and I've no idea how, looking back.
I think, if you reach your mid-40s
and you've never really talked about how you're feeling...
BEN SIGHS
It's an awful lot of weight to carry around. It's a big burden. Yeah.
'Talking to Ben gave me a bit of insight into what it's like to reach
'a proper crisis point where you really don't
'want to carry on any more.
'Which also helps me to understand a little bit better
'what my dad might have been feeling like
'just before he took his own life.'
I'm happy for Ben. What he's done is the right thing.
It's a positive, he's gone out and he's sought some help.
But what his story also shows us is that,
if you suffer a series of traumatic blows,
and you combine that with not talking about your problems,
it can trigger suicidal thoughts.
Which is a dangerous cocktail, and it afflicts men especially badly.
'I've learned that my dad hid his feelings,
'but I want to build a picture of the particular events in his life
'that could have helped trigger his suicide.'
'My knowledge is limited because I last saw him on my 18th birthday,
'seven years before he died.'
'I don't know if it was really a conscious decision
'to not contact him. It was just something that stopped happening.
'You know, he didn't phone me, I didn't phone him.
'That was that, really.'
I was going through a point in my life where I was finding my feet,
finding I had a bit more confidence.
You know, I guess I was growing into a man.
And I didn't, I don't think I did it spitefully.
But I kind of felt, you know, "I can get by without you.
"I'm proof of that, I'm still here."
So I just stopped bothering.
'In his final years, my father settled with a wife
'and stepchildren outside London.
'A few months before he killed himself, I decided to reach out.'
It was just before Christmas.
We arranged to meet the day after Boxing Day.
I called him just to see where we were going to meet.
And he said, you know, "Wife and kids, really excited to see you."
I was like, "This ain't about me playing happy families,
"this is about me seeing you, and us sitting down as adults and,
"for the first time, having a conversation
"about everything that's happened."
And he started to stutter.
And I just lost my temper because I knew exactly what was coming.
And I told him to fuck off.
I said, "If I ever see you again, I'm going to knock you out."
It would be easy to look back and think, I wish I'd never said that,
I wish they weren't the last words that I said to him.
I had a right to be that angry.
I had more than a right to be that angry,
I had the right to be a damn sight angrier than that.
But that was the last time we'd speak.
'Because we were estranged, I never asked my dad about
'any problems he'd faced throughout his life.
'Something I now deeply regret.
'There is one person I'm hoping can fill in these blanks
'and tell me about any specific troubles he was having.'
We are off to see Debbie, my dad's sister, my aunt...
..in the place where they grew up.
Initially, I thought today might be a bit daunting.
I didn't see that much of Debbie growing up
but, I don't know, I feel good about it.
I'm quite interested to know more about my dad.
It's mad to think, isn't it, today is going to be the first time
I'm knowingly going to visit where he grew up.
Hiya. Are you all right? Oh, good to see you. Give me a hug.
How are you doing? I'm all right, not bad.
'Debbie and my dad Peter were two of six siblings
'brought up on this estate in north London.'
It's just along here that we used to live at, a two-bedroom flat.
Eight of us. Bloody hell.
Mum left home, that was when I was six. So, Pete was a baby.
And he had to be taken into a home and had a bit of foster care.
But, I remember Dad standing in the kitchen with all of us,
saying, he's not going back.
We were the only kids who only had one parent.
So, there he was in the infants, I was in the juniors.
We'd pick each other up and come home.
So, as kids, were you all close,
brothers and sisters, was everyone close? Yeah, yeah.
Obviously, Mum leaving home when she did,
and we all really stuck together.
Him not having his mum there, that's always going to have some effect.
Did you know that Peter was a twin? Your dad was a twin. No. Yeah, yeah.
He was an identical twin that died at birth.
Sorry, darling. I had no idea. I didn't even know. Yeah.
He was going to be Daryl Thomas.
'After revealing the adversity my father faced as a child,
'Debbie brings up his final years...
'..and what happened to his brother David and sister Susan.'
Two years before he passed away,
well, did you know that David died?
In the same way? David committed suicide in 2006.
Can't get my head around it.
Um. But then Susan died in 2007.
How did she pass? She hadn't been very well.
In fact, Pete used to really watch over her a lot.
She got a type of leukaemia, and was taken into hospital.
And she fought so hard, so hard, but she...died.
Was he upset about... Obviously he was upset.
He'd suffered a lot of loss. Was he depressed noticeably?
I certainly know Susan was massive.
He wasn't good.
Susan going was massive for him, really, really massive for him.
I remember him saying to me afterwards, "You know what?
"That was the most beautiful funeral I've ever been to."
And then I think we gave it to him, because you were there.
Yeah, he went in on my shoulder.
He's a muppet, isn't he? Such a silly sod.
I just hate to think of what he must have been going through.
He went out of the house with the full intention of
going to get some help.
And we only found that out at the inquest.
He'd been to the doctor and he was going to go to see Mind.
And he went out... So he was... He went out of the house to see Mind
and, instead of turning left, he turned right.
That's the only way I can describe it.
SHE SIGHS HEAVILY
It's really, really hard.
Really hard.
'Until now, I was unaware that my father lost two siblings
'in such quick succession.
'And of the terrible impact this seemed to have on his mental state
'shortly before he killed himself.'
It was hard to hear of all the suffering, you know?
It's been quite a constant throughout my family, I suppose.
Um. But it helps me understand a little more about why
or why he may have done what he did.
It just sounded like losing his sister was the final blow.
And he must have already been fragile with all the loss he'd suffered.
It's upsetting. Obviously, I knew he wasn't in a great place.
But, I don't know, I wish I could have been there
to help him through some of it.
'Not being around for my dad has left me with a burning question.
'What could I have done to prevent his death?
'In the UK, suicide accounts for a staggering fifth
'of all deaths of men under 45.
'With so many choosing to take their own lives,
'what kind of help is out there to reduce this toll?
'To try to find out, I'm visiting a unique place
'which specialises in caring for people who've reached crisis point.'
We're off to a place called The Maytree which, from the outside,
looks like any bog-standard north London terraced house.
But it also happens to be a retreat for people who are feeling suicidal.
Hello, how are you doing. I'm Stephen. Hi, Stephen. Hi, I'm Dave.
Nice to meet you. Come in.
Dave, tell me what goes on here at The Maytree?
We are not a medical facility. So, it's run in a very homely way.
So, we have bedrooms here.
We have a kitchen where we prepare food for the guests.
A lot of people that come here say they are expecting to find
some sort of facility. Bars on windows! Exactly.
And then you get in here and there are no padded cells.
It just feels like somewhere you can sit down, have a cup of tea.
'Guests stay here for five days
'and the key is encouraging them to explore their suicidal feelings.'
So, these rooms are kind of used when you want to go somewhere
a bit more intimate for a chat.
We don't do counselling here or therapy. It's very much befriending.
It's just a nice room and it creates a nice, quiet space for our guests.
'In the 13 years it's been going,
The Maytree has helped prevent hundreds of male suicides.
Yet Dave explains why twice as many women have come through the doors.
It sounds like a bit of a stereotype but,
men tend to struggle a bit more in terms of
engaging with their emotions, being able to express their feelings.
You do find with a lot of male guests
they are always trying to rationalise why they feel this way.
There must be a reason for it. There must be an answer.
Trying to justify it. Justify it, absolutely.
It's like a solution-based approach.
As men, we are often looking for answers to things, aren't we?
Whereas The Maytree is more about not so much answers,
it's more about having that space to sit and really feel
what you're feeling, and allow those emotions to come through.
So, the talking is a pivotal point, getting someone to open up.
Absolutely. We talk about, you know, what were your plans?
Were you going to hang yourself, were you going to drown yourself?
It's not a taboo here.
Even hearing some of those words, they still make me, you know.
And I'm familiar with them obviously.
Yeah, it is weird hearing them spoken about that freely.
Once you've also got through that initial stuff,
and you've talked about the suicide and the attempts,
in a way, that creates the space for you to move on
and talk about other things.
I do feel that your strength is built when...
'I'm eager for a closer insight into how The Maytree
'could have helped my dad to open up.'
Stephen, do you want to have a go? Under which role?
You would be the befriender, befriending a suicidal person. OK.
'So, I take part in one of the role-plays volunteers do
'to learn how to befriend suicidal guests.'
Hi, how are you?
Um. I'm not really sure.
I'm really confused.
I've been here a few days and, er, my mind's all over the place.
I'm scared I might harm myself again.
Firstly, I think you need to remember that times are dark,
but they do pass.
And they may not pass forever, they may return.
But the important thing you have to learn to hold on to
is that there is always change coming.
I can think rationally but...
I just don't feel alive. I just feel dead.
I'm like a walking zombie. I just don't want to be here.
I've just got to a stage where I've just had enough.
And suicide and killing myself is the only way.
'It's a surprisingly realistic and intense experience.'
What triggers your doubts, do you think?
I'm just seeing a dark, bleak future.
There's nothing good going on in my life. I've failed as a human.
I'm not a happy person all the time.
I'm smiling now because I'm sitting here, I'm with you,
I feel, through our chats, we've bonded.
So, you're having a down moment now,
but you've still come and found me and asked to speak to me.
So, deep down, inside is a person who wants to live, not that wants to die.
OK. So, I want to ask Stephen,
how was that hitting you? What did that feel like for you?
I felt a hell of a lot of pressure to stay upbeat.
Because the last thing you want to do is show someone
what it's actually making you feel like, which is frightened.
That is the hard part, befriending,
it's trying to sort of stop yourself from going too far down that route.
And actually saying, "OK, you are feeling very low, what's it about?"
And staying with it. You said, "What triggered your depression?"
That was such a good question because it allowed him
to continue to explore where he was feeling.
I was quite hyper aware of everything I was saying,
and not wanting to say something that could trigger
something he might later do.
And that's an incredible amount of pressure.
Well done for having a go. Thank you. Thank you.
And thank you.
What we saw there was day three.
And when we get to a day five role-play...
'Something that Dave did mention
'about how he helps men to talk about their feelings
'was just to help them stop looking for a reason for their every feeling,
'and to try and stop them from attempting to justify everything
'and to just accept how they feel, to talk about how they feel.'
If my dad, along with all the other men who have sadly taken their lives
through suicide, had somewhere like this,
it could have changed everything.
'I've discovered lots about the various traumas
'my dad had to suffer in his life,
'and that he seemingly kept these to himself.
'Now, I want to uncover more about how his story fits
'into the bigger picture of the UK's male suicide problem.'
'So, I'm off to Glasgow University
'to meet one of the most renowned experts in the field.'
Hello.
'Psychologist Professor Rory O'Connor.'
Good to meet you, Stephen. A real professor. I don't know about that.
Slightly more questionable credentials.
I found out that my dad suffered early abandonment
and also later on in life he lost one of his three remaining sisters.
Shortly before he took his own life, he was exposed to suicide.
How common are those factors
in people who later make attempts on their own life?
Each of those factors, sadly, is too common.
What your story highlights is how it is never or very rarely
a single factor, but it's a complex set of factors which come together.
And, sadly, for too many men and your dad,
that sort of perfect storm of factors came together,
which leads to suicide in far too many men in our country.
'Rory also reveals that my dad's generation
'has been especially afflicted by this issue.'
In the 1990s, the person most likely to kill himself was a young man.
What's really stark has been, now, 20 years later,
people who are much more likely to kill themselves now
are people in their 40s and 50s.
Essentially, they'll be men of the same generation. Absolutely.
Men of that generation have been described as the buffer generation.
It's when they look ahead to their fathers,
their fathers had the stiff upper lip, perhaps.
When they look behind to their kids growing up behind them,
their kids are much more comfortable with talking about their emotions
or seeking help. They're caught in the middle, not knowing what to do.
OK, there you go. Cheers.
Sad music will appear on this,
through the headphones, appear on the screen,
and a number of statements.
If you could read the statements out loud,
and think about what those statements mean to you.
OK, I'm ready. OK.
'As well as common contributory factors, Rory's research also looks
'at the thought processes which lead to people killing themselves.'
"I can remember times when everybody but me
"seemed happy and full of energy."
'Over 20 years, he's conducted hundreds of tests
'and on thousands of people.'
"The same old thing day after day..."
'I get a taste of one which investigates the link
'between negative moods and suicidal thoughts.'
"No matter how hard I try, I just can't help feeling
"that things are going to get worse and worse."
Will you take the headphones off now?
What we're trying to do with this is look at
how even small changes in mood in people who are already vulnerable
can change the way you think. Because, ultimately,
somebody makes a decision to take their own life,
when their thoughts, combining with a whole range of other factors,
change in such a way that they see no alternatives,
they see themselves trapped.
'Most of Rory's research points to one likelihood
'about my dad's mental state just before he died.'
In suicide, I just think entrapment is so fundamental.
Sadly, in suicide notes from people who have attempted suicide,
they often talk about this sense of, I just don't know what else to do.
And they feel trapped and can't do anything else. So, it's fundamental.
Initially, when I found out my father had taken his own life,
I went through a whole spectrum of emotions.
And something I did think initially was how selfish his behaviour was.
It's an understandable reaction.
But, from my point of view as a researcher, I think
all the evidence points to the fact that it's not a selfish act.
If you think about the notion of entrapment,
from the point of view of the individual,
they're just overwhelmed with pain that they can see no alternative.
Indeed, they often think the complete opposite,
they think they're a burden on loved ones and family members
and, if they kill themselves,
they're relieving their family of a burden.
'My visit to Glasgow has helped me understand
'how my dad probably convinced himself he only had one option.'
'Everything I found out today about what makes a person more likely
'to take that step, and to take their own life, relates to my dad's story.
'From the generation he was from, from the age he was at.'
He suffered bereavement, abandonment,
adversity in his childhood. He was exposed to a suicide in the family
when his brother took his life.
Absolutely everything that could have happened, did.
But there's still a lot of people who suffer all of those things
and who will never take that step.
'I set out to confront why my dad killed himself,
'to highlight the scale of the male suicide scourge in the UK.
'But I also did this to learn to cope better.
'Up until now, music has been my way of trying to process the grief.'
Sometimes I write things and it makes sense of things
that I don't understand.
I've mentioned my dad's suicide in a few songs,
but in every instance it's been slightly different.
A couple of times, I've kind of expressed of where it left me
and the kind of situation I was in and what I was going through.
# I'm thinking, "I wonder what I'm living for?"
# "Is it only to hurt?"
# First my great-nan, now I've got to put my dad in the dirt
# Back in the earth
# I wish we could have patched it up first
# I was so angry though
# I just couldn't handle the hurt
# Now you're in the back of a hearse
# It hurts more than it ever did. #
I guess the most known song would be...would be Read All About It.
You don't go into the studio thinking about the response you're going to get from people, really,
you go in the studio and all that's in your mind is what you want to say
and how you're going to get it out.
And, you know, try and put it together in the best way you can.
Erm...and when the song came out,
what shocked me was just the replies I was getting
from people on Twitter and stuff like that,
who were just, you know, talking about how the song helped them.
And there were a lot of people who have suffered abandonment or loss
and it really connected.
You know, sound is vibration and I think when words have conviction
and they're meant by the person that's saying 'em,
I think that carries through the song and you can really feel that.
# As a kid I looked up to you
# The only thing was I never saw enough of you
# The last thing I said to you was I hated you
# I loved you and now it's too late to say it to you
# Just didn't know what to do or how to deal with it
# Even now deep down I'm still livid
# To think, I used to blame me
# I wondered what I did to you to make you hate me
# I wasn't even five
# Life's a journey and mine wasn't an easy ride
# You never even got to see me rhyme
# I just wished you would have reached out
# I wish you would've been round when I'd been down
# I wish that you could see me now
# Wherever you are I really hope you found peace
# But know that if I ever have kids
# Unlike you, I'll never let 'em be without me
# I wanna sing
# I wanna shout... #
And it's weird, really, cos if you think about it
that song wouldn't been what it was without what happened.
Erm...it still doesn't mean that,
you know, I don't wish it never did.
BIRDSONG
I'm just one of hundreds of thousands of people in Britain
living with the effects of suicide.
It's the stigma that surrounds it
that makes the pain all the tougher to deal with.
To investigate why suicide still remains such a taboo,
I need to speak to others who have overcome this.
Shall we go in the park? Shall be go in the park, then?
Yeah. Come on, then.
Giancarlo and Carlo Gaglione from North London
lost their brother and son in 2012.
Aged just 26, Lanfranco was a highly talented musician
with a wide circle of friends.
And this is...this is Lan?
Yeah. These are some of the...
some of the memories that we've had of him.
One of his friends done a little character of him,
a little...a drawing.
Basically, he was such a good guy.
That's how a lot of people described him after he passed,
that he was...too good, too good to go.
Erm...that's one of the questions you ask.
You know, he had it all going for him.
You know, beautiful girlfriend, happy home,
that's why no-one knows why...
why he did it.
And now I have my own children.
You know, having a brother, losing a brother is really tough,
but losing your own son or daughter that's...
I can't even imagine. Yeah. I can't even fathom it.
These are some of the memories that Lan's friends left at the wake.
I mean, a lot of the messages say, "I can't believe you're gone. I can't believe you're gone."
If people had problems, they'd go to him. Yeah.
It's just that common thing that, you know, you're holding all that inside,
and the reality is, you know, the pressure is eating you up inside.
It really shows how it affects people,
cos it's not just the family that are affected... Yeah.
..it's everyone around 'em, it's their circle of friends.
It's like an atomic bomb.
You know, the impact that you have,
the amount of people that you touch in different ways,
those repercussions last, you know, much longer than what you think is an easy way out at the time.
It's just particularly hard afterwards, I guess,
because we didn't see any of the signs.
We're a very close family and it's like he, you know,
he just couldn't open up to us.
And that hurt a little bit.
The sense of taboo associated with suicide
first surfaced within the family.
I remember when we had the first conversation with my mum
and told her what had happened,
after she calmed down she was like, "What are we going to tell everyone?"
And she was like... You know, she's a very strong Catholic,
she just didn't want to tell people what had happened.
Because of the stigma attached to it. Yeah. And people are scared.
Just like in the olden days, the cancer or the AIDS,
people are scared of talking about it.
I remember when I went into work, you know, after a few weeks off,
no-one had... People found it really difficult to talk to me about it.
It's hard usually when you lose someone,
but I think when they know you've lost them to suicide,
people really clam up and don't feel comfortable talking about it.
Ultimately, the Gagliones decided to tackle this silence
very publicly through the charity CALM.
You know, the whole reason that this exists is because people don't talk about it,
because people don't go out and help others communicate
and remove the taboo that is around suicide.
So we made the decision as a family that, "No, let's put our foot in the sand."
And I think that started something within our community.
And people went out, they were just doing all sorts of fundraising events. It was just crazy.
Climbing mountains, playing gigs, you know, dinner dances.
We managed to raise well over £50,000 or £60,000.
That's incredible. Which...which was phenomenal.
But we were never after the money,
the one thing that we wanted was the awareness.
You know, we're here today and we're comfortable talking about it
and trying to help spread the word more. It's getting worse. Yeah.
'It's uplifting to see Lan's family changing attitudes
'but at the same time rebuilding their lives.'
BIRDSONG
What's helping me to move on
is having conversations I've never had before with my own family.
My father Peter killed himself two years after his brother David did the same.
My aunt Debbie has invited me over to talk with my cousin Ellen
for the first time about how they have coped with the devastation.
Hi, Debbie. Hello! Are you all right? Yeah, good thanks.
Excellent. Come on in.
Both Debbie and Ellen were especially close to my dad.
Oh, he adored you. He really adored you.
Yeah.
I always remember Peter smiling all the time. Yeah.
You know, like, not a care in the world sort of thing.
Just...happy. He was welcoming.
Just a happy man. He was really warm. Warm's the word, innit? He really was. Yeah.
The terrible irony is Peter helped them both recover from David's death.
I remember at David's funeral Peter was there.
And I remember him saying to me, "It's hard, it's painful,
"but don't be angry with him. Don't be angry."
And that's why for me when Peter done it, I found it so hard
because I remember him being there holding me up.
I remember when my mum come and told me,
I was just like, "No way, not my Peter. No way!" Yeah
I felt much the same. I just couldn't...
It's not something you'd ever expect. No.
And then I was obviously worrying about my mum all the time,
cos I thought if both of her brothers have done it,
what's to say my mum's not going to do? Yeah.
It doesn't go away. It never goes away.
But that's why I always say to people,
"No matter whether you're 6ft tall or 10ft wide, talk to people." Yeah.
Just talk. You know, it's OK to cry, it's OK to talk about it.
You know, it doesn't make you less of a man.
Crying's all I've bloody done making this documentary.
You know. We were in pain but we had each other and were in pain together.
Yeah. You must have been just so isolated with it?
It wasn't something I could really share with anyone either.
Well, that's why I had to get the help that I got.
And I got a lot of help. It was a real major thing for me to do it.
When I actually... It's hard, because you're admitting to it.
And that's a big problem, people don't want to admit to the, you know,
the issues or the problems that they have. I think it took me...
It must have been at least six months or eight months
of probably just, you know, staying under the duvet feeling dreadful.
When I finally took the step and went to that counselling service,
well, she came to my house every week for 18 months.
And that's one of the things that I have worked hard on,
that if you get a day where you feel crap, allow yourself to feel crap.
Yeah.
There's people like my nan who have been there for me through it,
but it's a difficult thing to talk about at the best of times.
But talking to Debbie and Ellen about it was...was nice.
I don't get the opportunity to talk about...
about my dad taken his own life that much,
not with people who went through it.
You know...I didn't really realise that until Debbie brought it up.
And it's true, I have kind of suffered it on my own.
CHILDREN SHOUT
What do you want me to do?
You can stick the chickens in if you want.
OK. My dress rode up. Stick it by the side.
I'll maintain your modesty. Oh, baby, that's really heavy!
SHE GROANS There you go. Yep.
Timer on?
OK. I've been married to Millie for two years,
but have always kept what happened to my dad out of our relationship.
I've seen you come back some days from filming really low
and other days you've been really positive. Yeah.
Finding out some of my dad's history and stuff was hard,
cos he suffered a lot in his life.
But you've connected with more family. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I can't wait for you to meet 'em. Me, too.
The last time I saw 'em, actually, up until recently was my dad's funeral.
And I suppose that I've run away from most things to do with my dad.
I just felt like I needed to focus on myself and to...
to keep going over what he did,
it just didn't seem conducive to me progressing.
I didn't want to pry because it's a very delicate subject,
but I want to make sure you talk about stuff. Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think it's important. You know, we're married,
and I suppose the next step is having kids
and I really don't want to pass it on. You'll be a great dad. I hope so,
but, you know what I mean, I don't want to still have my own problems.
You know, I want to be there to support them through theirs.
I would like to deal with things better than I have done so far.
Exploring this chapter in my family history
has thrown up one especially alarming anxiety.
The reality that being exposed to suicide
can make you more vulnerable to it.
Perhaps the most important lesson I've learned is to share emotions, not suppress them.
So I'm taking the big step of visiting a psychotherapist...
You let me know if I'm probing too much,
or if I'm going into an area you're uncomfortable with. ..Dr Aaron Balick.
I'm not going to take my own life, but is there any way of knowing
that something is not going to happen, it's not going to trigger something,
especially when, you know, it can run in families?
And also if you've been exposed to it, it's so frightening.
You know, I'm married now and the next logical step will probably be children.
I don't want to pass this on to them.
I'm aware of, you know, how much of what your parents go through you take on,
cos I'm a product of my dad. Yeah.
Erm...I really don't want to pass it on.
We're having a conversation about it,
you're confronting the pain about it, and that's different.
It's a really important difference between you and him.
That means you are not condemned, in a sense,
to the same path that you're worried about.
You really miss him, don't you? Yeah.
I'm crying again!
These are the real feelings though, aren't they? They're not the fake ones. No.
I mean, this isn't a side of myself that I see a lot. Yeah.
So to know that there's going to be people out there who I've never met or encountered,
God knows how many people, seeing me like this is frightening.
But then that takes it back to the whole view of an archetypal man and what a man should be.
You know, why would I be scared of people seeing me like this?
People can see me laugh, they should be able to see me cry.
But I don't want to appear vulnerable. Yeah.
And that's a huge part of the fucking problem.
That we don't want to be appear vulnerable and we've got to show up strong all the time?
So what happens to all that vulnerability in people? It gets piled up.
I know it hurts, but does it also feel like a relief when it comes out?
Or does it make it feel worse?
I've had a better night's sleep
after some of the days we've been filming this. Yeah? Yeah.
You've had a better night's sleep?
So you really do get something out of your system? Yeah.
Yeah. And it's made me take a long hard look at myself and, I guess,
what has come from it is recognising how important it is for me
to make seeing somebody for help a regular part of my life.
As opposed to just waiting for it to get really bad before I dive into those feelings,
when it's much harder to because it's much more raw and it's much more painful.
You're in a position of having stuck your head in some pretty dark spaces
and having to kind of carry that.
I never expected it to be easy going through the process
of finding out more about why my father might have committed suicide,
but it has been really bloody hard.
As hard as it's been, I haven't really got any doubts
that it's been beneficial towards the healing process.
It's brought a lot to the surface but they're obviously things that needed dealing with.
If any good can come of me sharing my experience,
I hope that it encourages more men to be vocal and not keep their feelings bottled up.
I hope it helps diminish some of the stigma that still exists around suicide.
But I think for us to make any real progress,
the first and most important thing
is for people to admit what a problem it is
and to really understand what an extensive problem suicide is.